Its 11:00 a.m. on a Sunday, and you and your girls are headed to a good ol’ brunch. The topic of today’s brunch is “Girl I’m tired of being single, where is My Person”? The mimosa induced frenzy leads you home where your mind is literally playing tricks on you. It now 2:00 a.m. and you’ve gone through your current contact list and block list seeing if there are any potential reconnections. Then you find yourself searching the depths of Tinder, Black People Meet, Hinge and Coffee Meets Bagel. And damn that Facebook for coming out with the new dating profile; now that’s all you have seen on your timeline as another reminder to locate your person. Let’s not discuss the blind dates your girls have scheduled for you. We’ve all been there and it can be incredibly frustrating. In the age of online dating and going down in the DMs, it seems like the process of finding your person is becoming more convoluted than ever; even though it’s at the click of a button.
According to Statista, as of September 2019, Tinder reported that their U.S. mobile audience reached 7.86 million, making the app the most popular dating app.
Despite the change in ways to date, whether it is using a mobile app or meeting a person at your local supermarket, people are still reporting issues with finding romantic relationships.
As a therapist in Chicago, who works with single individuals, this is a message to let you know that you are not alone. Given that most people are obeying a shelter in place order, I want to share some food for thought that may change your perspective on dating.
It’s easier said than done. In my opinion, however, waiting for the perfect person does not mean sitting on your couch mindlessly scrolling through five different dating apps and shooting your shot in your crushes DM, or not putting yourself out there and expecting your person to fall into your lap without any effort. Read on for some dating tips:
Dating Tip 1:
Identifying the ‘stinking thinking’: Do you know that saying “that things will get worse before they get better”? Well, I am a firm believer that you can only go on so many bad dates before you start to internalize the feelings of: Is it me? Trust me you are more in control than you might realize.
‘Stinking thinking’ is a cognitive distortion in which it can block you from getting into a great relationship; it redirects your thoughts to “I’m not good enough” and “is it me? That you find yourself resorting to what you know best- emotional and relationship patterns that keep you unhappy.
Can you identify your Stinking Thinking or when you are getting in your way.
- Do you know your type,
- Do you know what boxes you need to be checked off and the non-negotiables, and
- Do you know what your expectations are for dating?
Now, you may already know what your ‘stinking thinking’ is, but the most important step is getting to the why of your ‘stinking thinking.’ You know where this ‘stinking thinking’ begins or what relationship led you to this ‘stinking thinking.’ Again, this is a pattern that I see in my dating therapy clients; until they’ve understood why and single-handedly attack the ‘stinking thinking’ if not identified they’ll keep repeating the same behavior.
Dating Tip 2: What Are Your Non-Negotiables and Needs:
Once you identify your ‘stinking thinking’ and why you are getting in your way, it starts to unblock energy and offers you the opportunity to throw out the stinking thinking and Get Your Groove Back. Again, because we are all Shelter in Place, now is a good time to get clear on what your dating expectations are and what direction you want the energy to flow.
Have you ever thought about what you really want and need? There may be some things from your old relationship patterns that you truly want and need in your life, but a healthier dynamic. Maybe there is an idea of what you thought you wanted, to then realize it isn’t a good fit for you. Now, take the time to be very honest about what you want.
Sometimes this is done through journaling, vision boards, a chill night with your friends or a session your therapist. This is where having the input of others can be so incredibly helpful if you find yourself getting stuck. Others can often see things from a perspective that you can’t and help you get crystal clear about your dating expectations.
Dating Tip #3: Stop Pouring Your Energy into old patterns:
Isn’t it weird to pour from an empty cup? While you start to eliminate the ‘stinking thinking’ and put your energy into what you really want instead of old habits, I’m sure this will be uncomfortable. As humans, we are habit-forming creatures, and sometimes it is hard to break habits that we’ve gotten so used to. We get stuck in unsatisfying places, yet they’re familiar to us, while the unfamiliar and the unknowing can be very unsettling. It’s incredibly tempting to go back to what we know best, ‘stinking thinking.’ New things and new feelings can be very uncomfortable but identifying and letting go of the ‘stinking thinking’ can spark up so more refreshing. Refreshing to the point you can become more attuned with people that you want in your life creating, a healthy bond and attachment.
