JL Family Services

There’s a Bold Line Between “Yes” and “No”

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Setting clear boundaries is the key to ensuring relationships are on the same page, that being: mutually respectful, supportive, and caring. “It’s levels to this boundaries shi-”. Whether you are casually “hooking up” or been dating for a while—setting boundaries is an important part of any relationship. But let’s be clear, boundaries can feel very uncomfortable, however, you should feel comfortable honestly communicating your needs to your partner without being afraid of what they might do or say in response. Think of it this way, discussing and setting boundaries with your partner is a great way to make sure that each person’s needs are being met and a sense of safety is being established.

Here are some things to think about when setting boundaries in your relationship:

Physical Boundaries

You have nothing but time: Don’t rush it! When you are ready you will know. Becoming physical with your partner does not have to happen all at one time, especially if you are not ready. Navigating healthy relationships -both partners know how far each other want to go and they communicate with each other if anything changes. Again, there isn’t a rule book that says you have to go so far by a certain age or at a certain time in a relationship. Take things at your own pace.
Sex Isn’t Monetary: You don’t owe your partner anything. Just because your partner takes you out to dinner, buys you a gift or says “I love you” doesn’t mean you owe them anything in response. This is simply your partner doing what they feel you may enjoy. It is not fair if your partner makes you feel bad because in exchange you did not “go all the way” Even if you’ve done it before, you are never required to do it just because your partner is pressuring you. Remember, “No” means NO.

Emotional Boundaries

I love you; I love you, not:

Don’t rush it! When you are ready you will know. Becoming physical with your partner does not have to happen all at one time, especially if you are not ready. Navigating healthy relationships -both partners know how far each other want to go and they communicate with each other if anything changes. Again, there isn’t a rule book that says you have to go so far by a certain age or at a certain time in a relationship. Take things at your own pace.

Time Away:

I know, I know, who wants to spend time away from their amazing partner. Remember, setting boundaries can seem very uncomfortable in the beginning. As great as it is to spend time with your partner, also remember that it is as equally important to have some time away from one another, too. You and your partner should be free to hang with other people of any gender (friends or family) without having to obtain permission. It is also healthy to spend time alone, doing things that you like. You should be able to communicate to your partner when you need or want to do things on your own, instead of feeling obligated to spend all of your time together.

Digital Boundries

It can be hard to know where the line between healthy and unhealthy is once a relationship goes viral- introducing your partner to social media. What are the rules for Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and, Snapchat? What should your digital relationship look like? Is it required?

Check-in with yourself before you talk to your partner about your online relationship, to identify what makes you feel comfortable.

Start by considering your digital boundaries:

  • When is it okay to text me and what is the expectation for when we return it?
  • Is it okay to use each other’s devices?
  • When is it okay to text me and what is the expectation for when we return it?
  • Is it okay to use each other’s devices?
  • Is it okay to post, tweet or comment about our relationship?
  • Do we post our relationship status?
  • Is it okay to tag or check-in?
  • Is it okay to “friend” or “follow” my friends?

Once you have identified how you feel, feel free to communicate with your partner and create a “Social Media Agreement”. With creating this agreement, you both can decide what feels healthy and what feel unhealthy for each of you. There may be some things that you two can’t mutually agree upon and that is okay. There may be some compromising or negotiating as you work towards an agreement that works for the both of you. Also, if your partner is asking you to do something or you feel controlled in some way, this is when you get to communicate that this does not feel healthy to you.

Additionally, this agreement can be altered as you continue with the relationship. Just because something felt comfortable in the beginning of a relationship does not mean that you have to be comfortable with it now and that you are obligated to commit with it forever. The same goes for; there may be something that you are not okay with at the beginning, but with time and trust, you become comfortable with it. Both you and your partner should feel free to openly and appropriately communicate about your changing needs and wants.

If you are ready

We are here to help

If you and your partner continue to struggle with establishing healthy boundaries in your relationship, our clinical therapists are here to help. Schedule your telephone intake
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