What is trust? Trusting someone means that you think they are reliable; you have confidence in them, and you feel safe with them physically and emotionally. Trust is something that two people in a relationship can build together when they decide to trust each other. You can’t demand or prove trust; trusting someone is a choice that you make.

When trust is impaired or when you have lost trust, there is a powerful, sometimes overpowering feeling of betrayal. The betrayal can come from almost any form of dishonesty or disloyalty of one partner to the other.

Recognizably, infidelity is at the top of the list, but dishonesty and withholding important information can also cause a disruption in trust.

When trust is lost or diminished, there is always regret, despair, anger, and shame

Through my work of working with families and couples; if a couple is willing and ready to work through mistakes, there is room for trust to be restored. Trust is not just a “give or take” or something that one is entitled to automatically; trust must be earned.

The partner that has broken the trust must be willing to reestablish the trust no matter what it takes. This requires a ton of patience and commitment; not just from the partner who has broken the trust—this requires the entire partnership, team effort, all hand on deck!

Building trust, reestablishing trust, and earning trust is a journey

Here are some steps that can assist you with traveling the road of rebuilding trust:

Step One

Heartfelt apology

A simple sorry for breaking the trust between you and your partner is not sufficient. During this step, it is important to provide a heartfelt apology. Starting with understanding the harm and hurt that you have caused. You must be able to see things from your partner’s perspective and provide empathetic validation. You cannot skip this step if you are striving for rebuilding and reestablishing trust with your partner. If you skip Step #1, it is unlikely that healing can begin.

Step Two

Identify and verbalize the WHY.

There is always WHY? Why did you lie? Why did you betray your partner’s trust? If there has been an affair, the hurt partner will probably want to know why the unfaithful partner became unfaithful. It is important that the unfaithful partner identify and verbalize the behavior from his/her own perspective. This includes appropriately verbalizing how the way he/she was feeling may have led to breaking trust. During Step #2, it is important to remember to not play the blame game in an effort to deflect taking responsibility for dishonesty.

Step Three

Patience is a virtue.

This is not the step where things happen overnight. Seriously, Patience is a virtue, and it is important that each of you understand this! On this road of rebuilding trust, there will likely be an urge from the unfaithful partner to take the shortcuts during this journey. Both partners need to be reminded that this will take time, courage, and strength of character for trust to be restored.

Step Four

Dish the unrealistic expectations, create new expectations

Partners must now decide if the rules of the relationship need to be changed. It is clear that the expectation will need to change. There will need to be more responsibility and reassurance. The hurt partner at some point in this journey will need to recognize the efforts of the other partner to begin moving towards a better and healthier understanding and even being able to forgive.

Step Five

Be Specific

After you create those expectations thy will need to be translated into specific behaviors that are acceptable. These agreed-upon expectations are agreements that you are making to each other. If the hurt partner needs reassurance every hour on the hour, this is where the agreement will need to be honored. Don’t forget, patience is a virtue. Being transparent, raw, straight to the point, is another aspect of meeting expectations. Be sure to be specific, honor the agreements, and meeting expectations are the bricks to repairing to the road of restoring trust.

Step Six

Overachieve and exceed expectations

As the expression goes, deliver the goods! In an effort to build trust, resolve and get back on good terms with your partner. Here is not the time to overthink. Who knows, you might find yourself promising to do almost anything. You may have good intentions but be unable to deliver. Stretch yourself a little and overachieve. Remember this is the road of rebuilding trust.

It is okay to promise what you know you can handle, and it could hurt if you exceed the expectations. The process of rebuilding trust is fragile. You can seriously compound the hurt by not delivering on your promises.

Step Seven

Healthy communication matters

From steps one through five, you and your partner have been vulnerable and created a safe space. It is important to remember that both partners need to feel this is a safe space so you all can speak openly to one another. Also considering that it may have been fearful communication that has led you here, whether it was infidelity or breakdowns in the relationship. During Step #6, some emotional and important conversations can occur—Healthy Communication Matters. You’ll see.

Step Eight

Consistency is key

Changing behavior requires persistence and consistency. This journey is for the long run, not just the moment. In order to continue this journey, the hurt partner has to believe that the other partner is trying and changing during this process. It is essential there is a strong promise to change or it will be difficult to break old habits and form new ones.

Step Nine

Have a strong commitment and a positive attitude towards change.

Rebuilding trust is not easy, as evidenced by all of the construction going on in Chicago. In fact, it is probably one of the hardest things a couple can do. The key to Step #6 is to interrupt the negative thinking and disbelief that things can change and will return back to trusting and being happy together once again. Trust the process and recognize that this requires commitment from both partners. The hurt partner has to be willing to continue to inspire their partner to show that there is some hope and that forgiveness and reconciling is possible.

Being hurt by someone in the past may have affected your ability to trust yourself and your own instincts. If you’re struggling with this, taking time to work through it, maybe with a friend or professional could be very helpful in regaining trust in yourself and your ability to trust others.

Are you dealing with trust issues?

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Traveling The Road of Rebuilding Trust

Building trust, reestablishing trust, and earning trust is a journey

Here are some steps that can assist you with traveling the road of rebuilding trust:

Heartfelt apology

Identify and verbalize the WHY.

Patience is a virtue.

Dish the unrealistic expectations, create new expectations

Be Specific

Step Six

Overachieve and exceed expectations

Step Seven

Healthy communication matters

Step Eight

Consistency is key

Step Nine

Have a strong commitment and a positive attitude towards change.

Are you dealing with trust issues?

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